Dying a slow death? Already dead, I say.
Thanks to the 600-million user base of Facebook, the world has finally figured out that Internet is more than just porn and cat videos. Farmville and Mafia Wars are passé. Today, Facebook is all about communication, so much that it puts Harry Potter’s owls and our kabootars to shame. Believe it or not, Facebook stinks more than your stinking socks from the past 4 months. Your constant bid to prove your existence to people you don’t give a rat’s ass about is surely not how God imagined humanity to be. Despite all this, we end up logging in each day – sometimes to stalk our exes and sometimes, just to laugh at how miserable our high school friends’ life is. All said and done, Facebook is no longer what it was 5 years ago. Why? Here are 5 reasons in my opinion.
1. Our parents
We all signed a death warrant the day we accepted our parents’ friend requests on Facebook. Now, I can’t use the F word, can’t call people names and worst, can’t be in a relationship with girls/guys/both without my parents seeing it. Our Dads clearly say that they’re on Facebook trying to keep in touch with their old friends. But who’re they kidding? We know woh humaare baap hain and they’re only here to keep a tab on us. What’s more, my father didn’t like the fact that I didn’t wish him Happy Father’s Day on Facebook. Alas, who would tell him that I’m already up a notch on stupidity meter by accepting his friend request.
There are people who’ve ended up in the best countries of the world – the ones who’ll make sure you cry yourself to sleep every night and make constant attempts to kill yourself.
2. Hey look.. memes, memes everywhere
It’s high time they changed Facebook’s name to Flickr! 9gag, Rage comics and Ye aisa hona chahiye woh toh waisa bhi hota hai are in full swing on the site. So, Facebook has taken up the responsibility of shutting down the businesses of all niche websites that we’re on at work when our bosses aren’t sucking our blood. Today, it’s all here. Photos of you, your favourite cartoons and your dog are spamming my newsfeed. And we’ve all been there.. stooping to new lows getting people to like our photos. There are people who’ve ended up in the best countries of the world – the ones who’ll make sure you cry yourself to sleep every night and make constant attempts to kill yourself. And then, there are people who come on Facebook only to share funny photos and tag you in the same. Thanks to the page load, my Facebook for Android app doesn’t work anymore. No, I can’t afford 3G. Thankyouverymuch.
I don’t want to buy lingerie worth 299/-! STOP! And why should I care who Veena Malik is getting married to? Someone please take the paid advertisements of Jabong lingerie and Adultfriendfinder off my Facebook page! I don’t want to meet hot single women in Russia and Abbotabad. And boy, dare to click on it and you’ll see your hopes and dreams shattered. No, the stuff is never the same as it is on the ad. And no, the hot Russian woman is actually a bald man sitting in a cyber cafe at Law College Road.
4. Like and share – something good will happen in 8 minutes
Just tell me, how dumb are you? What era are you living in? Are you schizophrenic? Is this parallel universe? These people are the ones who watch ‘OMG! Oh My God’ every Sunday on UTV movies but still share Sai Baba photos. What’s worse, they’ll threaten you if you don’t like or share them. I’m yet to witness a person in my friendlist who died because he or she didn’t like a pic of crucified Jesus or Lord Krishna. Do me a favour people, take your asses off Facebook and sit in a temple or a church. You’ll get more likes and shares there. We here are busy stalking and delving into other people’s lives.
5. What? Another one down?
Don’t know if I’m too young or too old, but more than my folks, it’s my high school friends who end up making me feel I should get married now. Believe me, I fear signing in for the sole reason that I end up seeing someone getting married or getting pregnant. Guys, I’m happy you’re tying the knot but unless you invite me to your wedding personally, don’t expect me to acknowledge it. It only makes me feel old and more than that, forever alone.
And… it’s not enough. I could enlist a hundred other things I hate about Facebook. Nonetheless, I end up logging in. Wonder why. Need a new social networking site now to feel good about my life. Anybody listening?
Cigarette image: www.funnyboom.com