In an ideal world, the boss forever works from home. You watch back-to-back episodes of Game of Thrones at your desk, like a boss. All phone lines connecting you and your client croon “is route ki sabhi linein vyast hain”. And your colleagues, are fun. In the real world, however, you are to your boss what Sooraj Pancholi is to Salman Khan. Your colleagues don’t take a shower for days. Your client’s only ambition is to suck the life out of you. And forget watching even one Game of Thrones episode. For distraction (read: some stolen breaths of unhindered fun), you have to buy a GPRS connection on your phone because all websites for today’s youth’s survival are blocked on your office server. And our parents are under the impression that we’re having a ball. Lulz.
So, following is a guide on how you can endure the 9AM to 6PM working days (Wait, you have to do over-time every alternate day too? Gimme a hi-five!) and don’t feel like a stray dog by the end of the day.
Disclaimer: We have not only successfully pulled off the below-mentioned tricks but also endorse them. No, they don’t include murdering your peers and bosses.
1. Look busy
You come here to work, dumbass! Of course, you have to look busy. So, first off, as soon as you arrive to work and no matter how much you hate it, begin working. This will help you in two ways – first, when your colleagues arrive and see you on your work website, they’d get an idea that you’ve already started working. Second, what if you get engrossed in it and actually start working? That’s a win-win, right? Now, suppose work is not the first thing you want to do when at work. Pick the newspaper. Better still, read the newspaper online and open your work website in another tab. You know what to do next.
2. Make conversation
Indulge in itsy-bitsy conversations with your colleagues. Yes, you hate them. But you hate work more. So, moot. Go to people’s desks every now and then. Ask them about their plans for the weekend. If you think they stink more than your client’s ego, suggest good perfumes and deodorants to them. Tell them about this article you read on The Punekar and share links. This is an excellent way to kill time without pissing your boss off. Which brings me to the next point.
3. Show your boss your face at least 5 times a day
By showing yourself, we don’t mean chit-chatting with him during smoke breaks. Go to his cabin at least 5 times a day so he thinks you’re serious about work and aren’t afraid of him. The more you hide your ass in a corner, the more he’ll think you don’t do shit and watch porn on your phone all day. Make it a point to discuss the current affairs with him and be pally. In short, go Dwight Schrute from ‘The Office’ all over his ass. Abuse the client in front of him. This will show your boss how worried you are about the deadlines and chances are, he’d even assign a part of your job to a poor intern. There – your job reduced to half.
4. Bring downloaded episodes on your phone
I love technology. I love how this little, brick-like device can store your world in it. You are dependent on your phone. And if your boss isn’t a follower of Mahatma Gandhi’s epic “Simple Living, High Thinking” principle, he is too. There you have it. No matter how much you try, you can’t stay away from checking your phone every five to ten minutes. Use this opportunity to watch the episodes of your favourite sitcom. Pro tip: NEVER, NEVER watch The Big Bang Theory or Whose Line Is It Anyway at work. One minute you’re laughing like an ass and the next minute, you’re shown the exit door. By your boss.
5. Get laid or romance a colleague
If you say there’s not a single chick or dude in your office that makes you go “Woofer tu meri, meri … main tera amplifier, fier”, you’re a big, fat liar. The trick here, is to romance the heck out of them. Exchange “love percentage” emails with them and with the other colleagues. If you think your stars are in alignment, sleep with them. This will give you a lot to kill your time at work. Eat together, go to after-work parties together. Share your daily tasks. The idea is to establish this thing in your colleagues’ minds that you two are dating. The result? You’ll have so many people to entertain at work that you wouldn’t feel bored for a minute. If you’re a guy, your male friends wouldn’t let you work without sharing.. umm, the “details”. And if you’re a girl, well, who said girls ever fell short of conversation topics?
There you go! Sorted. The most important thing is to be extra-cunning and smart while doing the afore-mentioned things at work. The Punekar takes no responsibility for employees whose idea of extreme craziness at work is to fool the Human Resources into thinking their dog ate their punching card and so, they couldn’t reach work on time.
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