That which should not be known

It’s time to get serious, Punekars. Today’s news haven’t been so much fun. In fact, the hoaxes that are going around are something that must be dealt with.  While most are undisclosed, others remain shrouded by wrong reasoning. The Punekar brings out the truth about the ongoing bandh and also talks about the best kept secret of this year’s IPL.
Firstly, there is no bandh today. All shops, petrol pumps and businesses are open. In fact, some petrol pumps in Pune had to close down when some people hurled stones at them. Eye witnesses say that the employees were pushed in one corner and were hurled with abuses and bad words Some were even seen giving shraps  like “Petrol peun mar” meaning “Drink petrol and die”. Police rounded up the perpetrators and it was revealed that these were all the people who waited in long queues yesterday to refuel their vehicles. We got in touch with one of them whose identity won’t be revealed. The person told how they had to miss watching their favourite TV serial just to get to the petrol pump. The person claimed that the queues were extremely long and most people would barge in ahead, the ensuing fuss being much more time consuming. Seeing the petrol pumps open today morning while going to work made the person deeply angry which resulted in the events that followed. Some also claimed they gave up their Sunday plans of drinking too much or eating out just to make a trip to the petrol pump.
Even a baniya had to face the brunt of belans and the angry slurs of women who claim to have bought a week’s household groceries and vegetables within a day. One woman told us, “This halkat should have kept the shop closed today. We, like the ant, shopped and made provisions for the whole week as we were told the shops will remain closed for the next few days. My refrigerator is stuffed with food and I had to carry 2-3 heavy bags back home. I thought I would look extremely smart and intelligent  like the ant when the grasshopper (she was referring to her friends and neighbours who did not bother to do so much shopping) would come begging for help. Instead, I found them merrily going about their usual business this morning, all because the strike did not happen in the first place. Now, imagine how the ant would feel if winter never came and the grasshopper would still be out there giggling at her for being so hard working. I couldn’t control myself and using my belan, I gave that shopkeeper a piece of my mind.”
Hearing this incident, all shopkeepers decided to close down for they are already given this treatment at home and cannot imagine the same happening at their workplace too. As more such incidents of angry citizens started happening all over, an indefinite strike had to be called. The media was told to popularize the story of this being an ongoing tiff between state government and traders, for both feared the truth would make a mockery of the system, the trade unions and petrol pump employees.
In other news, things seem to be bad for our very religion as well, cricket. Pune Warriors India will no longer be playing in the IPL due to “undisclosed reasons”. Even Mumbai Indians’ future is in doubt and this, sources tell, is a well planned strategy of the ex-IPL chairman Lalit Modi. A member of the BCCI disclosed to us (after asking for favors and accepting bribe) that this was all Modi’s doing. He was angry over his extrication and that this was his way of taking badla. He also revealed that this was well-funded by Kochi Tuskers who are now planning a revival of their team. Also aiding the cause were some members hailing from regions like Gujarat, MP, Bihar, UP, Jammu & Kashmir and other states whose cities are not included in the IPL. They are said to be jealous of Maharashtra for having 2 IPL teams.
The “Maharashtra teams not being part of the IPL” story had been kept under covers by the media that got paid huge sums of money for doing so. They planned to keep this undisclosed until they got better remuneration from betting and investors. We, however, decided to reveal the truth to you, for we were not paid a dime. The truth has to be told and we believe in honesty is the best policy. Hope this reaches far and wide.
Post Script: (For all those who did not know the full-form of PS, you can thank us) This is no April Fools’ prank. This is serious. The Punekar does not believe in playing pranks; we are a serious bunch of people dedicated to serious topics only.