If one goes through the list of ‘Bollywood’s most eligible singles’, one will realise that the above-mentioned people never even made it in the list. I mean really, the thought of Ekta Kapoor and Karan Johar getting married (to each other or otherwise) creates a picture sadder than the melodramatic dialogues of ‘Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham’ or any of Ekta’s K-serials. They do seem to be joining Salman Khan though; in the “enough-is-enough-get-married-or-proclaim-your-celibacy” list. Although, millions of women still think of Salman as a heartthrob, the same’s not the case with Ekta Kapoor (Karan seems to be a hot favourite among those kind of men more than women). So, imagine the hilarity that would ensue when Karan and Ekta get hitched. We help you imagine the horrific mental picture.
The K-serials and movies, TOGETHER!
Imagine the Tulsi Veerani or Parvati Bhabhi of TV Serials and put them in a movie like K3G (yes, that’s my favourite KJo movie. Every time the characters cry, I roll on the floor laughin’ my ass off!). You’ll get the combined melodrama of the two queens of Indian Broadway (calling Karan a king would be disdainful). Using their combined production value, we will get a 4-hour movie with epic proportions of glycerine and film sets that make the Tatas and Birlas feel like BPL persons. Also, SRK and Tushar Kapoor will be seen together; another freakish sight! Balaji+Dharma Productions would mean they can give the Ambani brothers some competition in the money department. However, one cannot even imagine the melodrama at their over-the-top wedding. Jeetandra’s white pants, celebrities from every sphere of TV and cinema, SRK shaking a leg for free (no high profile wedding is complete without an SRK dance) and Tushar Kapoor smiling (making everyone shed tears!). Imagining the sight would even make John Abraham or Kristen Stewart start showing some emotions finally! There would be floods of tears and Mumbai’s water problems will be eradicated in a day (woohoo!). Hope they consider Pune or Lonavala for their honeymoon. One of the rivers of tears can be diverted here, to ease the suffering of Punekars (aaichya!).
Their kids, OMG!
Now, it is well known that both Karan and Ekta used to be those fat, pompous, eating-too-much-with-daddy’s-money kids, until they went on a slimming regime and began minting money through their production houses. Had they participated in ‘Biggest Loser Jeetega’, they would have won hands down. Mix that extreme sweetness of dialogues and food in general, with their genes, and you’ll have the recipe to produce kids fatter than the Ambani sons! The media hype of the baby would be ten times that of the Farah Khan triplets, the Royal Baby of Great Britain and the Bachchan baby, giving them all a run for their money. Speaking of money, The Ambani sons might even feel betrayed by their father for not giving them enough food to eat, complaining how the Kjo-Ekta kid outweighs all the Ambani’s put together.
Also, Karan’s mom and Ekta’s dad would cry a river seeing the baby (like us, even they would have thought them having a baby impossible, let alone being “happily married”), once again solving Maharashtra’s water problems. This time, we’ll send it to our poor brothers in Vidharbha to solve the plight of the farmers there. However, the question that will be asked the most is, “WHO AMONG THE TWO GAVE BIRTH TO THE KID??”.
Not all will be bad in the Kjo-Ekta marriage, though. The media will have a field day thinking of a name for the couple, going on the lines of Brangelina, Saifeena, etc. The main question is, who takes whose surname? Taking cue from who wears the pants in the house, it’s more likely that Karan Johar will be Karan Kapoor (sounds better too, right? Almost makes us think of him as a star!). Their parties would be a lot, lot bigger, almost covering the entire celebrity list of Bollywood. Their movies and TV serials will keep housewives, aunties and grandmas happy for life, earning them the blessings of millions who seek melodrama and loud acting even in today’s age of “Realistic Cinema”. Every K-title will be booked in advance, giving film-makers nightmares while coughing up a name for their work. Actors who are loyalists to these guys will outdo Hollywood stars, only in the money-making department though.
Seriously speaking, they are totally perfect for each other. If I were a 40-something aunty, I would swell with pride (and weight) for I couldn’t have made a match better than this. When two people are as complicated, melodramatic and different as Karan and Ekta, it’s a match that’s impossible to be made in heaven. It would take some annoying, poking-her-nose-in-everything aunty who knows either of the families to convince the pair to get married.
If some Bollywood insiders are to be believed (those who can destroy nagging aunties or rumour mongers hands down with their epic creativity and uselessness), the two are even giving it a thought, making a pact that if they aren’t married by 40, they’ll get hitched. This story can form the crux of a hit Bollywood movie and one of the parties involved might just produce it. Can’t wait!!